whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
