all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
