Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
