I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
