Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
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I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I deserve this hangover.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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