Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
