got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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