i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
