I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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