I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
