I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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