Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
