so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
