So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
