i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize