Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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