wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
