You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
