need another drink. this is the easiest way
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
