Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
