Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
