We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
