so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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