all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
