I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
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