so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
