I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
