i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my sisters under your porch take her home
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
