I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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