You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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