i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
