But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
