bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The air was thick with penises
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
