dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
