I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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