I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
