Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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