Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
