I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
