omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
