If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
