apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
