it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
