i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
