There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
our cab driver is having phone sex.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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