Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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