Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
