We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
