think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
