you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we're making bets on your personal life
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
