She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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