i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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