That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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