I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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