My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
