he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
This is classic penis vs brain.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
