Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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