Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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